Sex jokes

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

What do lesbian vampires say after sex?

"See you next month."

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Good sex sounds like a white man walking across the street with flip-flops on.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

What is a threesome with 3 guys?

Gay sex and a witness.

In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.

My sex life.

Yep, this happens when you play G.T.A., good God!

Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

Hey guys, Billy has this weird disability where when he has sex with someone, he says their name really loud.

Billy: Hey guys, I just got back from my DADS!!

Wait, what Billy?

Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?

No more tears.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!