Sex jokes

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

What's 72?

69 with 3 people watching.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

A "glad-he-ate-her".

F*ck my ass.

Condoms are for pussies.

My dick.

Life is like giving head... it always sucks.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in!"

What's thick, 12 inches, and in your mum's throat?

My penis.

What do women and peanut butter have in common?

They're both easy to spread.

Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.

So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Your mother is such a slut, she should be in the NFL hall of fame for the greatest wide receiver!