Scream jokes

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

What is a ghost's favorite cake?

I scream cake!

What's the difference between a pizza & a person?

A pizza doesn't scream when I try to shove it into an oven...

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.

Here is a dark joke for you guys... "Why do pornstars scream, "DADDY!" in their videos? Because they were child molested by their father!"

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.

But when you do, people scream and run away.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

I think I banged a Chinese celebrity...

She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.