Say jokes
I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”
That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.
Shame on you Penaldo!
What did one butthole say to the other?
"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
Steven Hawking walks into a bar, the bartender says...
WAITTTT WHATTT
What did the adopted poker player say?
"Will you raise me?"
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You're looking sharp.
What did Steven Hawking say when the WiFi cut out?.........Nothing.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
What did the caveman say while seeing a reptile taking off?
Look at that dino-sour!
What did the bull say to his son when he was going to school? "Bison!"
What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
They can't say no if they're unconscious.
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."
What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?
"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
What did Michael Jackson say to the little boy?
"Shhhhhhh, this might hurt a little."
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says he's gay. He can't be though... he's allergic to nuts!