Said jokes

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

Mom: Son, did you go to school?

Son: What if I said yes?

Mom: You are in school! *slap*

Son: Mom, I am moving out and I am moving in with my girlfriend.

Mom: You are with...? Please don't move out =(

Son: Mom, stop! So what if I am moving out? I am moving into my girlfriend's home. It's only for school.

Mom: Well, you are kicked out of my home!

Son: Good.

Mom: I am sad now. Why did he move out?

If you like it, please commit down.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"

Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

A delivery service called “Ross Deliveries” was known to be the best in town. They never got anything wrong. One day, Rachelle got a delivery, but when it arrived, it was all broken! How is this possible?

I never said which delivery service she used. Lol.

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."

Two whales went to a bar.

The first whale said, "oooooooohhhhhh." The second whale said, "Greg, I think you're drunk, let's go home."

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."