Said Jokes

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

My father said I'm to reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

So little johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!

If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?

Little johnny smiled and said: A bus driver!

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today" and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron". Then the first atom said "How Ionic"

One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said "I dont know it all happed to fast"!

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like a the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How you ask? Ask the Twin Towers

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole".

The ass replied, "yes, but you still keep coming".

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said why did you call me a female

So my dad said to me and my sister don't fight but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

I don't get this why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Me and my friend went to the park, after a while we grabbed our little princess and said "it's time to go sweetie" but before we could go someone said "stop them they have my daughter!"

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said “did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied “do you mean Nein millimeter?”

So i went to the doctors and the doctor said "Pick a star sign any star sign" So i said "Aquarius" And the doctor said "nah mate you've got cancer"

the doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.

so a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him he was about to jump until he saw from a mountain side a little guy with no arms dancing around so he thought maybe my life aint so bad so he went to the mountain side thank you he said i was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until i saw you dancing even though youu have no arms dancing? the armless man said bitterly my asshole itches and i cant scratch it

So I was at a funeral the other day and it was a school shooting mass funeral, and the lady beside me asked me, “ what do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “ How dare you you have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “well they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”