Why did the parachute refuse to open?
Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.
Safety Jokes
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"
"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute!"
How does a rapper keep their money safe?
In a RAP VAULT.
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case he had to drop some BOMBS.
LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
What's rap boats got in common with plastic bags? They both a danger to young children.
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.
Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
