My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
What is the best type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
What do you call a wet condom?
A wet condom.
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
