Road jokes
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.
All the traffic stopping the cars, how do you spell that without any R’s?
That.
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?
To get to Birds Eye.
Why did the frog cross the road?
To show his gang that he had guts.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
Why did the skunk 🦨 sleep 💤 under a car?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.
What is big and fun and yellow? A school bus!
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To get to the other side (suicide).
Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
Yo mama so fat that when she crossed the road, people mistook her for a roundabout.
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
Why did the bat cross the road? Because to get to the blood bar.
Why did ze cow cross the road?
yo watch his mum getting butchered she was an udder failure.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
Why did the Mexican chicken cross the road?
Because the mom said, "Vente, Baca."
You're walking on the street when you realize that you're in the road as you feel the horn dying away.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was on a roll.