Right now

Right now jokes

Time

    • Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

    Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

    Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

    Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

    Bully: How would you know that?

    Me: Because she told me herself.

    Bully: How exactly?

    Me: She's on the phone right now.

    Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

    Me: Told you so!

  • 7

    • Kobe Bryant

    • Bro, Kobe Bryant is singing with the basketball team in his helicopter, celebrating right now, I bet.

    Oh wait, I forgot.

  • 1

    • Death

    • Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

    Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

    Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

    Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

    Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

    Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

    Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

  • 1

    • Daughter

    • It was raining sadly all day. My wife, my two daughters, and me were stuck in the house when wife’s mom and dad just died.

    Wife: 😭😭😭I wish this never happened.

    Mia, our first daughter: Mommy, it’s ok. I love whenever I see you🥰🥰

    Abby, our second daughter: I love you all. Only if you guys die I won’t, but I love you when you're alive 😉😏

    Me, husband: What kind of nonsense was that? You love us when we’re alive, but you don’t love us when we’re dead🤥😥😓

    Everyone except Abby: Abby, this is serious. Mommy’s mother and father died. Mia says: Yes, your mom is sadly down right now, you made her more sad😡🤬. Dad says: *sniffs* Abby, I had made a discussion. I will take you to an orphanage. I am sorry 😣 when I am better and happy and I forgot what you said then we’ll get you back. Mom says:

    This was not a joke. I just did this for Love 💕

  • 2

    • Miscarriage

    • One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

    Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

    "Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

    "Maybe it was a tricycle."

    "Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"

    The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

    Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

    That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

    Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

    Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

    Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"

  • 1

    • Mom

    • Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

    Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

    || 20 YEARS LATER ||

    Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

    Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

    Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.

  • 1

    • Car

    • "I’m going through a lot of things right now," I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.

    Drug

    • I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.