Result jokes

What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?

The HIV test results.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!

FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

Yo mama is so dumb, when she had a brain scan, the result was 404...

What was the score of the basketball game in Africa?

Eight-nothing.

Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.

An orphan walks into a science lab. The lead scientist greets him and takes him to a DNA testing station. After some procedures, the results come back:

"UNKNOWN"

I don't know what makes BlessedBrian so STUPID, but it REALLY works!

Your mama is so fat.

She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.

What do / and \ have in common?

They have different results.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

They said I couldn't drive.

Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.

I guess this is pretty plane.

I am sorry I am just winging it.

Wow, I guess these jokes haven't taken off.

Wow, I just landed that one!

In Ukraine, there was a massive wake-up call by Russia. But for some, the results were the opposite.