I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.
A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.
The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!
A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"
The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"
Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"
Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."
A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”
The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”
The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”
I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"
And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"
When someone says "Did I ask?" say "Then why did you respond?"
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.
To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."
Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Did you hear about the TikTok post that offended disabled people? Some didn't reply because the comment section was disabled.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.
“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.
“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.
So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”
“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”
