Religion jokes

Bust it open for Jesus!

God: (creating elephants) Make it big.

Angel: How big?

God: As big as my d--

Angel: Whoa!

God: Fine, 10 feet tall.

Angel: That's big bu--

God: Put a long thing on its face.

I don't have luck with other angels.

So I just WING IT!

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Why are most West Virginians going to hell?

Their favorite pastimes (inbreeding and bestiality) are an abomination unto the Lord.

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

Need an arch? I Noah guy.

Bin Laden promised 76 virgins to Al-Qaeda.

Instead, there was one 76-year-old virgin.

What's black, white, and red?

A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not! He got nailed before he died.

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?

A sad news story.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.

God took away Stephen Hawking's privileges.

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

"Let us prey together."

God created everyone unique till he got to Asia, then it just went to copy paste, copy paste.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

Who would win?

The laws of the Catholic Church which have been effective for over 900 years,

Or one horny Henry?