Relationship jokes
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A man is digging in his garden and finds a gold chest. He goes to tell his wife.
Then he remembers why he was digging in the garden...
If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
What do you call your mom?
Monkey.
What did your mom say last night? "Go harder!"
If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"
He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"
Trump pumped and dumped his wife at the border.
Being gay must be a pain in the ass.
Credit to omnom.
Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"
Me: "Nope."
Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."
Me: "You never said \"love\"".
Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"
Me: "Frick no."
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.
You are like my girlfriend: imaginary and non-existent.
Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.
My teacher gave me an A in Physics, then she tells me that it turns guys on.
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”
Repost
What does a woman call Stormzy in bed?
Stiff chocolate.
Little Jonny fucked his mum.