Relationship jokes

Wanna know something funny? Well, there was this one time when my parents were talking about their marriage.

Then after the wedding, they decided to make a joke, and then 9 months later, I was born. My birthday (4/1/06) April 1, 2006.

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

Me and my mom order Chinese food.

My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."

How did the guy greet his wife?

"Howdy, sister!"

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Pussy = drugs.

I f*** my dad. Please help me. 😭😭😭😭

The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.

Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.

The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.

Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.

The person I hate: Rood.

Me: Shut up.

I was going home and 3 guys came up to me: an Italian, a Black guy, and a Spanish guy. They said, "You should be a proud brother, your sister knows her meats." I didn't know what they were talking about. They said, "Your sister won a trophy, you will see it when you get home." I went home. My sister said, "Look, I won a trophy by knowing my meats." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, 3 guys blindfolded me and I gave them a blowjob, each one of them, and I guessed which flavor it was. I was right all the time, that's how I won my trophy." As a big brother, I couldn't be any prouder.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

What does "A" say to "ss"?

"We are the perfect couple. We make Ass."

When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.

Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*

She has cancer.

Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched her thigh and said, "Do you wanna?" Jill said yes and pulled up her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills, and so they had a son.

My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.

Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.

How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.

Dad: What did your older brother say before he lost his virginity?

Son: Dad, please don't.

Dad: Exactly.

This dick ain't gon to suck itself.

<😏__ \ 👇 \ _/ 🍆\_

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

Say, "Hey, you're pretty." Then she'll say, "OMG, thank you so much," or something cringe. Then you say, "Pretty f***ing ugly, aha, gottie!"