Relationship jokes

The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂

Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?

Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.

Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.

The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

So, when I'm about to take a shower, my mom says, "Take a shower." When I'm about to take out the trash, my mom says, "Take out the trash."

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!

I caught my sister licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that for?" She replied, "I'm doing it for practice for your friends."

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

Yo mama so fat, she took both sides of the family.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.

Kenny: "Tyler, you're lucky you're adopted."

Tyler: "Why?"

Kenny: "Because you can fuck your mom without getting arrested for incest."

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

I was eating this girl out the other day and I tasted horse semen... I looked up at the girl and said “that’s how you died, grandma!”

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.