Relationship jokes

A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."

When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.

Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.

Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?

Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!

What's the first thing you say in anal sex..... "Holy shit!"

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Without other people's dicks in it.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Sex is like show and tell: you show your pussy and dick, and then you tell each other how you feel.

Why can’t orphans have sex?

They have no one to call “daddy.”

I told my wife her eyebrows were too high.

She looked surprised.

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Like if you know an orphan.

I need to fuck an emo girl... those bitches are limited edition!

Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?

A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.

Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

Friend: What kind?

Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

Friend: That's not funny..

Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

Friend: I'm calling your mom.

Me: She knows.

Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

Me: She's supposed to help?

Friend: Have you told your dad?

Me: I will when he comes back.

Friend: Where is he?

Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

Friend: ....

Me: What?

Friend: Why?

Me: Why what?

Friend: Why would you joke like that?

Me: I was joking..

Friend: I know.

Me: Oh. I didn't know.

Friend:...

Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...