Relationship jokes
Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?
“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
I dated a girl, and I didn’t know she was previously in an abusive relationship.
I thought she just REALLY hated high-fives.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”
Wife: “ok... what is it?”
Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”
Qualification Check:
Single
Taken
Friended ✔
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?
Because they just keep getting harder and harder!
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
"WASSUP GIRLS IF I FIND YOU I'LL GLADLY FUCK YOU;]"
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.
Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?
Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.