Relationship jokes

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

"Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got them all cut!"

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?

The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

Your mama's like a cardboard box: open to the public and easy to nail.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.

Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

Why do some couples go to the gym together?

Because they want their relationship to work out.

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?

“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”