My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
Have you ever tried sex when camping?
It's f***ing intense.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
