Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?
Bryce: What?
Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!
P.S. I'm a girl.
What do you call a boy in your mom?
Your dad.
Dad: Uh, yeah!
Son: Mom, Dad, what are you doing!
Parents: Sex!
Son: What?
Parents: Look, you can spectate!
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
I'mma flip this coin, if it lands on heads, tuh, you gotta give me head, if it lands on tails then you gotta give me the booty, so lets give this a try *flips coin* OOP! Would ya look at that, it landed on both, ESSKETIT!
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
By the time you're done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.
So I ended up doing the YMCA.
The reason I'm gay is because I'm scared of getting cooties.
Why is my dick like a balloon?
The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.
What do you call mo on a dating website? Tissue face.
My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.
Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"
My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.
She said we can still be cousins.
What's the difference between a mother and a pigeon?
One doesn't eat their husband out.
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
Roses are red, your mother has said, "Come back again, and you'll be dead!"
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
