Relationship Jokes

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "You're." "You're who?" "You're adopted!"

Your mom stinks.

That is my joke.

You mom doesn’t really stink.

I know I am stupid. 🤕

Why did the guy run because the girl ripped his penis off?

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?

I only stuff the turkey.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

I love you

Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

Divorce is scheduled for next month.

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.

Why does the large dildo not have any friends?

He's a pain in the ass.

How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.

She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...

You can make fun of adopted kids all you want. What are they going to do, tell their parents on you? Lol.

Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?

Because he loves his honey.

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

You'll never be lonely at cousinsonly.com.

There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.