Really jokes

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

What word starts with n and ends with r and you wouldn’t wanna call a Black person?

You really thought n****r, didn't you?

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

I like your cut, G.

*Slaps really hard*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.

Hey, you there, were you raised on a chicken farm? 'Cause you really know how to raise a cock!

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

Messi is really messy.

I don't think I could ever become a beggar. I really don't like change.

God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.

People of Earth: *running and screaming*

Santen: *to God* Really?