Put jokes

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.

How do you piss off a disabled person?

You put the cookie on the other shoulder.

Q: How do you blind a woman?

A: You put a windshield in front of her.

Can I put deez nuts in yo cluts?

A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

Why did the boy put the potatoes 🥔 on the kitchen floor?

He wanted to mash potatoes!

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?

Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.

So Americans strongly worship Donald Trump, eh? Well, let's put that claim to the test by throwing him into the general population of Rikers Island.

What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

How do you put an end to MeToo? Just fill those combined showers with transgender women.

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

Why did the sperm cross the road? ———— because I put on the wrong sock today.

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

Because it was Luke warm.

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"