Put jokes
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Yo mamma so fat, she asked for a water bed, and they put a blanket over the Atlantic Ocean.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.
Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.
I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
Yo mama so fat, when she put on a yellow raincoat people see her and yell "Hey yo, taxi!"
Why is a ball rolling when you put it on a hill?
Because it is circle.
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Teacher: Ok class good morning, we are going to start off by what kind of sound animals make.
Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?
Class: A cow says, "moo moo."
Teacher: Good.
Teacher: What does a sheep make?
Class: A sheep says, "baa baaa."
Teacher: Good! Now what does a pig say?
Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall you black mother fucke*!"
I put the Christmas balls in my sack.
Personally, I think putting beans on toast is better than bullets in children.
They put the woman's rights in the fantasy section in the library.
An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."
He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"
He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."
My mum found a chest that was wet, and it had a child in it. She asked me what it was for. I said I put kids in it and chuck it in a river until they are dead.
What kind of knight puts dumb jokes on the internet?
You!
How do you blindfold a woman?
Put a windshield in front of them.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.