Put jokes
What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?
They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.
Uh!!!
Why should you put an autistic person in a refrigerator?
Because otherwise you’ll get a rotten vegetable.
(Not meant to be triggering).
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.
Remember when Calvin wanted to commit a school shooting?
You guys know the notes A Minor and D? I really like putting D in A Minor!
You're so skinny that when you're driving, you have to put the seat forward to reach the pedals. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
How to make holy water:
1. Grab a pot.
2. Put water in it.
3. Set the stove to 420 degrees.
4. Boil the hell out of it.
Yo mama so fat, when she put on a yellow raincoat people see her and yell "Hey yo, taxi!"
How do you drown a Blonde? You put a scratch and sniff sticker in a pool.
I got kicked out of a library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a square room and tell her to run in a circle.
Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.
Hi guys, the prankster is back!
I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...
When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!
Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.
What happens when you have dry elbows at work?
You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.