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Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.

Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.

Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

What does a sad cowboy and a supernatural fan have in common?

Both want to put a Winchester in their mouth.

Why did the Vampire put his son up for adoption?

He thought his son sucked!

I got banned from the library for putting a book about woman's rights in the fantasy section.

I got kicked out of a library because I put a book about women's rights into the fantasy section.

Why are people mad at me? All I did was tell the truth and put the Bible in the fiction section of the library.

There are 10 million million million million million million million million particles in da universe that we can observe.

Yo mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd.

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.