Puns

What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quackhead.

A roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"

What do stomata use to fill their pools?

Chlor-ine.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

What did the man say when he knocked down the bookshelf?

Looks like I've only got myself to blame...

Why do athletes cool down fast? Because they have fans.

Wash your hands.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

My friend told me she had a good joke and it beat all mine. I said, "Haha, that is funny!"

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

I would tell you a chemistry pun, but I won't get a reaction.

You thought his puns were bad, wait till you sea mine!

Oh dear, I made a backwards ray. Let's test it. I made a backwards ray, let's test it oh.

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

Have you heard the joke about the paper?

Never mind, it's tear-able.

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shelfies.

Why is a waiter good at math?

Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.