Puns
A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.
She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.
Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?
He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.
Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.
Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.
WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.
I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.
What's black and white and red all over?
The darkness of your heart, the dishonor of your lies, and the embarrassment you feel when busted for both.
If you got a bowling ball and you stuck it on top of a sack of potatoes, what would you get?
A "retiree."
What does a volcano say when it has a runny nose?
"I have runny volcanoes."
I'd make a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy. I know y'all have too thick of a crust to get it!
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?
Me: Word.
What is the same between water and dark jokes?
Not everyone gets it!
What do you call your mom?
Monkey.
Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.
I got banana nut bread for you.
Oh no, the nuts are missing!
Oh, I found them!
You know where they are?
UP YOUR BUTTHOLE!
What's the difference between a car and a car?
I have absolutely no idea, sorry.
What do you call a piece of paper? A piece of paper.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!
I fell into a water bed with super soil. Next thing I'm in a flower bed.
Pretend you are an old man who is 77 years old and there are 7 doors, which door should you pick?
The seventh door.
"What time is it?"
"Daytime."
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They are big, heavy metal fans!
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!