Puns
I got banana nut bread for you.
Oh no, the nuts are missing!
Oh, I found them!
You know where they are?
UP YOUR BUTTHOLE!
What's the difference between a car and a car?
I have absolutely no idea, sorry.
What do you call a piece of paper? A piece of paper.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!
I fell into a water bed with super soil. Next thing I'm in a flower bed.
Pretend you are an old man who is 77 years old and there are 7 doors, which door should you pick?
The seventh door.
"What time is it?"
"Daytime."
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They are big, heavy metal fans!
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
Why are emo jokes so infamous?
Because they cut deep.
Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.
Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!
Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-
Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!
What do you call Hitler in a pool? Adolfin.
What do you call a suicide bomber under the water?
Answer: A bath bomb.
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?
What flour do orphans use?
Self-raising flour.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.