Puns
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you waiting for, just let me in!
Donald Trump: "I play Fortnite just to build walls."
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Pork-chop!
What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?
"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"
I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"
If you are dehydrated, you should get well soon.
What type of jam can you not eat?
Traffic jam.
Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late?
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
What do you call someone who farts in public? A private tutor.
Why tie when you can knot?
Why did the crumb cake isolate himself? He had a crumbling social life.
There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.
Me: (Tim) What's wrong?
Him: Wha...
Me: Are you inTIMidated?
I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.
"Have you ever heard of the snail that never gives charity?"
"Yeah, he is so shellfish!"
If we can't see air, can fish see water?