Profession jokes

Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

Why do shepherds never learn to count?

Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.

On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*

What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?

One of them is an outside job.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?

"I C D K"

You know what I see?

DICK

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?

Cash and carry.

A person asks a taxidermist what they do for a living. The taxidermist replies, "Oh, you know, stuff."

Why are astronauts forgetful?

They're always spacing out.

Okay, what do you call a dummy that writes a dumb writer?

What do strippers and butter have in common?

Both spread for bread.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

I work with animals!

What do you do?

I’m a butcher.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.