Profession jokes
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $30."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
Memes
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?
One of them is an outside job.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
A person asks a taxidermist what they do for a living. The taxidermist replies, "Oh, you know, stuff."
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?
My dick.
What do strippers and butter have in common?
Both spread for bread.
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
I work with animals!
What do you do?
I’m a butcher.
A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.
For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.
I told a chemist a joke.
No reaction.