Depression

Too good to be true

When somebody says they’re depressed (by over-romnticising their so-called problems) but can’t be by your side when you are at your lowest… Then you know they’re faking depression🙂

If you know it, you know it

Roast

Anonymous123

You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

  1. Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.

  2. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.

  3. Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.

  4. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.

  5. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.

  6. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.

  7. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

  8. I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.

  9. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

  10. Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.

  11. Your face makes onions cry.

  12. The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.

  13. You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.

  14. It’s impossible to underestimate you.Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.

  15. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.

  16. I’m not a nerd; I’m just smarter than you.

  17. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.

  18. Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.

  19. You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.

  20. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

  21. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.

  22. You are the human version of period cramps.

  23. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

  24. You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

  25. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.

  26. Don’t worry — the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

  27. I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.

  28. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

  29. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!

  30. “Check your lipstick before you come for me.” — Naomi Smalls, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  31. “It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, ‘I’ll take it!’” — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  32. “Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?” — Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Oblivion

  33. “Go back to Party City, where you belong!” — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  34. “Where’d you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?” — Trixie Mattel, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  35. “Impersonating Beyoncé is not your destiny, child.” — RuPaul, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  36. “Don’t get bitter, just get better.” — Alyssa Edwards, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  37. Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.

  38. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

  39. I know you are, but what am I?

  40. I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.

  41. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

  42. When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would ya?

  43. Bye, hope to see you never.

  44. Complete this sentence for me: “I never want to see you ____!”

  45. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.

  46. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.

  47. N’Sync said it best: “BYE, BYE, BYE.”

  48. Wish I had a flip phone so I could slam it shut on this conversation.

  49. How many licks till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?

  50. Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?

  51. You’re cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.

  52. Someday you’ll go far… and I really hope you stay there.

  53. Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

  54. You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.

  55. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.

  56. Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?

  57. I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

  58. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.

  59. Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.

  60. Thumbs down

  61. That sounds like a you problem.

  62. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

  63. Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.

  64. “I’ve been called worse things by better men.” FUN FACT: Pierre Trudeau, a Canadian politician, used this clap back after learning that Richard Nixon had insulted him. The political shade!

  65. Well, the jerk store called. They’re running out of you.

  66. “What, like it’s hard?” — Elle Woods, Legally Blonde

  67. Sorry, not sorry.

  68. I’m busy right now; can I ignore you another time?

  69. If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.

  70. You have an entire life to be a

Woman

Sncer

A woman has been raped by a man, she calls the police and a policeman shows up - Woman: Please help officer I have been raped! Officer: No problem ma’am, I will just unrape you Woman: Whhat? Unrape me? How?

Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape

Michael Jackson

Anonymous

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while we was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

Chin

Dumb ass idiot

99 problems but a chin ain’t one

Blue

Nivedh jha

There lived a jackal in a forest he did not get the day’s food so he was very hungry and wandered throughout the forest but could not find any food finally he dicided to go to the city as he was walking into the city as soon as he was walking he heard some dogs bark soon he found a group of dogs running towards him so he rushed into a nearby house which belonged to a Dyer and fell into a tub filled with blue dye the dogs that were chasing him returned back as they could not find him the jackal came out blue from the tub and went into the forest every animal In the forest were frightened to see a new animal the jackal realised that all animals were afraid of him and took advantage of the situation he called the animal towards him the jackal said oh my dear friends I have been sent by gods in heaven to protect you all I will be the king of this jungle all the animals became very happy everyday they served him food and took care of all his needs they came to him with all their problems and listened to what there king said one day as the king jackal was sitting by the court he heard a pack of jackals howling in the forest for a long time he had not heard these voices he felt very happy forgetting he was the king he howled back immediately all the animals knew who he really was and started chasing him in anger but the jackal he was already on the run

Math

Anonymous

Q. What did the math book say to the other math book.

A. I have two many problems.

Cow

420JesusC

What did The Notorious B.I.G. say to the cow?

  • MOO MONEY MOO PROBLEMS

Girlfriend

Someone campaigning for the rights of the male side of humanity.

I’m just gonna say it. And don’t get offended but I’m so sick of the media bieng on the female side. It never shows what life is like for a male.

Yes women do have it hard in life because they have to give birth etc.

But men have it pretty hard too if not harder. Males are criticised for showing emotions.

Men have to go to war on the front lines.

Boys have less support from their friends because showing any emotion is a sign of weakness.

Boys have to wear trousers in schools where they practically burn to death in summer meanwhile girls get to wear dresses and skirts. And now we hear girls complaining about them not being allowed to wear trousers. Yet we haven’t ever heard anything about boys protesting about wearing shorts to school. It’s because no one will take a man’s protest seriously because the media is always against the men.

Man-rape is unheard of in the media and I’ve never seen anything in any form of news accusing a woman as a rapist.

We are expected to gather up our guts ask a girl to be their girlfriend, we have to take them on dates, pay the bill, buy them gifts when the girls never do anything like that for us males. We have to get a job while they put on makeup and go out with their friends and spend 3 months worth of the money the man has made.

And the women say we only rape women and that we restrict women from doing certain things like fighting in world wars.

It’s because most males do not want females to get hurt. Yet we are criticised for this.

I propose a idea that on the 19 of September every year (until we get the point across) all males do not go to work. etc.

Whose going to put out all the fires? The two fire’women’ at the local fire station. Who is going to work in the major corporations? The secretary’s and the receptionist?

Women are always saying that the world will be a better place if they’re are no men around. Let’s show them how wrong they are.

(this event can be done worldwide)

Share this with as many people who still believe in the rights of the males.

(I’m not against feminism it’s just that everything in the media is about some stupid problem women are complaining about + hatred for males everywhere.

But I think that nowadays women have more rights than men because they can wear what they want, do what they want and never get criticised or face any consequences.)

Shooting

I don't do it with a lot more of the time and effort you are looking at and you will need a more flexible and flexible plan for the job you have to

When I got to you and I was android and we were all in minecraft for the last two years and we had the same problem ui with you anymore but you can see it on Instagram that it is not a real time thing or a android

Cheetah

Jakub

This one is for Gwen, I’m sorry people are so mean to you. All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose? Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

2 entries hidden

Funny

Anonymous

Neona (😟): Gwen?

Gwen (🙁): Yes … what can I do for you?

Neona (😔) : You were so right! Mr. Smith has sexual problems and is a fool! I am so sorry that you were not a lier! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!

Gwen (😒): You should have listend. Plus I’m over it!

Neona (😞): Are you mad at me?

Gwen (😌): Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don’t listen,

Funny

Anonymous

Neona (😃): Gwen! I got the job!!!

Gwen (😁): I knew it !! I knew my prayer worked!

Neona (😁): He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!

Gwen (😏): Man, don’t you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!

Neona (🙁): Who is Mr. Jaekson?

Gwen (😕): Wait … Mr. Jaekson didn’t interview you?

Neona (😕): No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.

Gwen (😯): No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!

Neona(🤨,🙁,😠): Gwen, you are a liar!

Gwen (😟): No, I’m not. I’m telling the truth Neona!

Neona (😔): Gwen please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr.Smith sexual hassults women!!!

Gwen (🙁): He does your not listing.

Neona (🤬): I don’t care BITCH!!!

Aloneness

freshfry

im freshfry idk wut alya’s problem is but just leave her alone ok? thx

Stairs

Anonymous

I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.

Gravity sure is fast

Sheep

dev

Llama: Hey sheep the sheep lets play cards Sheep: llama fuck off!! Llama: whats ur damn problem Sheep: Nothing im just having a Baahd day okay dick head?

Funny

Anonymous

When ariana grande broke up with pete she said she has on less problem with out you.

Sister

random person

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3… The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”.

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: O MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you’ve to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo !

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!”