Present jokes

James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.

What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

Why is Santa’s sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

What's the difference between an orphan and a puppy?

Parents enjoy the presents of a puppy.

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.

Little Johnny walked to his parents' room. They were having sex, and Little Johnny didn’t know what that was, so he said, "What are y’all doing?"

The parents replied, "Umm, r-rapping presents!"

Little Johnny said, "Okay," and then left. In the morning, Little Johnny opened his presents. His parents said, "This one is from Santa!"

Little Johnny said, "No, it’s not, y’all said y’all were rapping the presents."

The parents said, "Ohh fuck!"

Little Johnny replied, "What, Mommy and Daddy?" They replied, "Oh, nothing!" "Oh, okay," Little Johnny said. The mom whispered in the dad's ear, "At least he doesn’t know the truth."

Little Johnny said, "What truth?"

What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?

Murder.

What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?

Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.

I didn't ask: ❌

I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem that anyone needed this information, and there doesn't seem to be any chance anyone will need this information in the future. ✔️

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Answer: cancer.

One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.

What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...

We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.

When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)