Present jokes
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"
Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!
What's the difference between an orphan and a puppy?
Parents enjoy the presents of a puppy.
Why is Santa’s sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
Little Johnny walked to his parents' room. They were having sex, and Little Johnny didn’t know what that was, so he said, "What are y’all doing?"
The parents replied, "Umm, r-rapping presents!"
Little Johnny said, "Okay," and then left. In the morning, Little Johnny opened his presents. His parents said, "This one is from Santa!"
Little Johnny said, "No, it’s not, y’all said y’all were rapping the presents."
The parents said, "Ohh fuck!"
Little Johnny replied, "What, Mommy and Daddy?" They replied, "Oh, nothing!" "Oh, okay," Little Johnny said. The mom whispered in the dad's ear, "At least he doesn’t know the truth."
Little Johnny said, "What truth?"
I didn't ask: ❌
I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem that anyone needed this information, and there doesn't seem to be any chance anyone will need this information in the future. ✔️
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?
Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.