Let's try to get to either max likes or dislikes, your choice.
And duck jokes, who would win in a fight, a baby or a pacifist, presented by duck?
Present Jokes
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."
The teacher made us present a slideshow to introduce ourselves.
Mine is bright and colorful with music. It was so good that a kid started dancing!
I didn't ask: ❌
I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem that anyone needed this information, and there doesn't seem to be any chance anyone will need this information in the future. ✔️
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
Food makers are proudly presenting human flesh-made foods. Donate your useless friends and family to us because we're saving lives.
T and C apply. This is only in the best shops in your town, or down the road, or in your country. 1 like = 1 family member donated 'cause we're saving lives😎😎
KFC proudly presents the kid fryer meal where our fillets are made out of kids. 😎 1 like = more kids in our fryer.
"The rise of atheism is going to lead to a break down of social morals and lead to all kinds of filth, including an increase in child abuse," said the village priest.
The village scientists did some fact checking. In prison, they found roughly 70% of child abusers were hyper religious before committing the crimes, and another 20% converted to religions to look 'remorseful'. The remaining 10% preferred not to say. They presented the findings to the media.
"Scientists slander good religious folk and ignore the weight of evidence!"
"Is Science biased against religion? You decide in this survey," they reported.
The village priest is living at his majesty's convenience and tells the others he committed armed robbery.
"Why is this a joke? It's not even funny!" said the person reading this, breaking the forth wall.
What is funny is you got to the end of this post and didn't cringe. Why not?
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
What present did the armless kid get for Christmas?
He got gloves. Ohh, sorry, he could never open the present.
A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
Me: How do you celebrate Christmas?
Orphan: I don't know what you mean.
Me: There is no one to give a present.
I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*