Present jokes
What did the orphan ask Santa for? A good family.
What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)
What did the blind kid get for his birthday?
I don't know, he still didn't look.
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.
What did your mom get for Christmas?
A big black horse dildo.
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?
Lego, so he can build a home.
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.
What did the girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.
What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She had no arms.
What did Sarah get for Christmas? I dunno, she hasn't opened it yet.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
KFC proudly presents the kid fryer meal where our fillets are made out of kids. 😎 1 like = more kids in our fryer.