Phone jokes

Yo mama so stupid, she ate the Apple phone you gave her.

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.

I want your weight, not your phone number.

Me: Truth or dare?

Crush: Dare.

Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.

Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.

Me: Ok, what is your phone number?

Why shouldn't orphans get a phone?

They would get stuck in an app because they can't find the home button.

Chuck Norris strangled someone with a cordless phone.

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

Depressed caller: "I'm done with everything!"

Responder: "Please hang on!"

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?

A sex-a-phone.

Yo mama is so ugly she's really the reason phone screens cracked!