Phone jokes

Grandma isn’t responding. Close app, wait, cancel.

Which do you choose?

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: I don't know why.

Man: Because they have a family plan.

Kid: Well, I need to get another phone service now.

My teacher says no phones allowed. I say my phone is allowed because I’m nobody, Dania.

What do phones and orphans have in common?

They selfie! (It's because they don't have parents.)

Why doesn't the orphan's phone have a homepage, being it doesn't have a home?

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

I want your weight, not your phone number.

When I hotline bling, I only need one thing.

I said to the emo girl, "She gets jealous every time her phone dies."

"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"

You're so ugly, you have trick-or-treat on the phone!

A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

How on God's green earth does my boyfriend have a phone?

JK WE NEED TO TALK ILL TYPE THE SECRET CODE (YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.) GREEN PUSSY CAT LIKES BANNANS.

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.

Yo mama is so ugly she's really the reason phone screens cracked!

What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?

A sex-a-phone.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!