What do phones and orphans have in common?
They selfie! (It's because they don't have parents.)
You're so ugly, you have trick-or-treat on the phone!
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
Yo mama so stupid, she ate the Apple phone you gave her.
So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"
Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.
Why shouldn't orphans get a phone?
They would get stuck in an app because they can't find the home button.
As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?
A sex-a-phone.
Yo mama is so ugly she's really the reason phone screens cracked!
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.
What did the cell phone say to his wife?
"I will give you a ring."
