When I hotline bling, I only need one thing.
I want your weight, not your phone number.
Me: Truth or dare?
Crush: Dare.
Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.
Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.
Me: Ok, what is your phone number?
When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.
Yo mama so stupid, she ate the Apple phone you gave her.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
Why did Michael Jackson die?
Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.
What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?
A sex-a-phone.
Yo mama is so ugly she's really the reason phone screens cracked!
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Discord.
Discord who?
I need discord to plug in the phone.
What did the cell phone say to his wife?
"I will give you a ring."
