Phone

Phone jokes

Magic

"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

Orphan

What do phones and orphans have in common?

They selfie! (It's because they don't have parents.)

Llama

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Call

A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.

Wife

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Marriage

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Emo

I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.

Age

A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.

Friend

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

Mama

Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.

Orphan

Why shouldn't orphans get a phone?

They would get stuck in an app because they can't find the home button.

Symptom

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

Sex

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.

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  • Mama

    Yo mama is so ugly she's really the reason phone screens cracked!

    Ancestry.com

    I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

    She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

    Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

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