I named my dog "J," and everyone thought I said "jam."
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull in a children's play area.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?
An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.
I found a dog outside a store, so I took him home with me.
The dog was standing outside a blind supplies store.
I was chopping onions with my brothers so my little sisters cryed onions was a good dog
Why don’t you have a pet cheetah?
There cheetah you.
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
First Man: My dog's got no nose.
Second Man: How does he smell?
First Man: Awful.
If you are wondering where the dog went, I don't know. Maybe he went barking around.
Dog.
What did all the humans say when all the pets left town?
A doggone catastrophe!
What did Joe Biden say to the dog? I'm gonna molest you.
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.
My dog got stuck in my ass, help!
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.
