Pet jokes
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
It doesn’t matter, it won’t come anyways.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter; it won’t come anyway.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
I called my dog 5 miles.
Today, I fawn over my miles.
What's yellow and can’t swim?
Your dead fish.
What did Joe Biden say to the dog? I'm gonna molest you.
Is your middle name Fancy Feast?
'Cause your face looks like a can of dog food.
What did all the humans say when all the pets left town?
A doggone catastrophe!
- What do you call a dog that can do magic?
- A labracadabrador.
What's a rapper's favorite kind of pet?
A boomboxer.
I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'.
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
What did the skeleton say to his dog at dinner time? Bone appétit!
My dog went through my bathroom garbage, and for some reason, my sister put a bunch of ketchup packets in there...
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want; it won't chase you.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
I would tell a pussy joke, but you would never get it.