Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
What's a suicidal person's favorite game?
Hangman.
What's a depressed person's least favorite type of cereal?
LIFE.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.
Gravity sure is fast.
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?
People call me a bad person, but just the other day I saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents. I love working at the orphanage.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
Lol making jokes about cancer makes me feel better as a person that had cancer, it’s great!
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
