Personal Jokes

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"

What person can't work at a family business? An orphan.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?

My clothes don't hang themselves...

Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.

What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?

Dumb.

I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.

You can't say Hitler was a bad person. He did kill Hitler after all.

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.

Person 1: "Where was Hiroshima?"

Person 2: "In Japan."

Person 1: "No wonder! That's why they never saw it coming."

Control tower to Boeing 747, you're clear to land on (said person)'s forehead.

You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.

If a deaf person is at court, then is it still called a hearing?

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso espresso.