Personal jokes
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
What do you call an autistic person playing a guitar?
Guarded.
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a trans person?
About 3 years.
What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
What does the long distance call and a Black person have in common?
They both don’t work.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
What do you call a smart person in America?
A tourist.
Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.
"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Who is not hungry in Africa?
A dead person.
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
Why can’t you have a proper conversation with a gay person?
They’re never straight with you.
A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.
Why did the short person bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
Why did the short person become a chef?
Because they could "microwave" dinner without needing a stool!