Personal jokes
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
When you realize the person reading this is a clown.
Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.
Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!
Someone telling a joke:
Boy: "My parents are dead."
Girl: "My grandad is too."
Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"
Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"
Why did the person take crayons to the bedroom?
To draw the curtains.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...
I am a beautiful person.
"Ur mum gay..."
Sorry wrong person.
Me: Knock knock.
Person: Who's there?
Me: No-one.
Person: No-one who?
Me:...........
Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today, and I have to...
People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.
Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."
Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."
Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."
Bus driver: Please give your seat to the white person.
Rosa Parks: Ok.
Yo mama is so fat, she has her own personal gravity.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.
Vegetarian: I prefer plants.
Herbivore: I just like food.
Cannibal: I'm a people person.
Did you hear the one about the deaf person?
Me: No.
That's because they can't hear, so they don't talk.
Just to get things straight, I'm NOT, I repeat, NOT racist, but this joke goes out to all the people who talk about other people with darker skin than the other person.
Bully: Your skin is so black and ugly (for the 5th time).
Me: I'm so happy you love my skin color!
Bully: Ew, no I don't!
Me: Then why do you keep talking about it?