The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them:
"Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"
I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
Why did the person get fired from the calendar factory?
Because they took a day off.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
What do you call an autistic person playing a guitar?
Guarded.
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a trans person?
About 3 years.
What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
What does the long distance call and a Black person have in common?
They both don’t work.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
What do you call a smart person in America?
A tourist.
Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.
"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Who is not hungry in Africa?
A dead person.
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
