Person jokes
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
Yo mama such a quitter, she di[ed].
What do you call an idiot?
An absolute imbecile.
What do you call somebody with no nose?
When you say, "I'm high!"
But then you fall off.
I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"
I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.
Literally no one: Why can't you hear the pterodactyl?
Random person: I don't know.
No one: BECAUSE THEY ARE EXTINCT!
Random person: Ha, cool, I guess.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
What does a depressed person and a jacket have in common?
They’re both hanging in the closet.
Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Suck a big dick.
Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?
Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.
What do you call a fat, lazy person who smokes weed? A baked potato.
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
Harrison
I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.
What do you tell a depressed person?
Just hang in there!
Riley Styler :)
This one time I said to a person that they are dry, then I was wet (ba dum tiss).
My bully said I have to shut up. I said, "Shut down" (ba dum tiss).