Performance jokes
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.
I’m a clown...
And everyone knows.
How do emo bands prepare for their shows?
They self-harmonize.
What's the best finger for fingering A minor?
Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?
Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.
Why don’t rappers ever get lost?
They always have a SICK FLOW to follow.
Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?
Because good luck finding someone who’s always in the booth!
You need to play a B flat, not a C sharp, you just got band!
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
Why did the rapper refuse to write a diss track?
He didn’t want to start beef, he’s VEGAN.
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every play has a cast! Get it? Lol.
You know what's the most awkward situation in the world? A rapper with erectile dysfunction.
Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?
Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)
Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.
Me: *Confused*
Sister: They're both horrible.
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
What's the difference between Lana Del Rey and Milli Vanilli?
Milli Vanilli won a Grammy.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"
And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"