I'm a magician. Watch my closing act at the end of the rope.
I just had the worst gig of my life! I told yo mama jokes at the orphanage.
Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?
Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
What does a sex offender that is a lesbian have in common with a sex offender that is a feminist?
They only performed cunnilingus on girls under 18 years old.
What do you call a pole dancer?
A stripper.
How did Protestants perform in the 16th century? Well done.
I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
What is a group of singing terrorists called? A Taliband.
A magician walks up to a girl and asks her to feel the rabbit in the magician's hat.
The magician asks the girl to rub the rabbit. The girl notices the rabbit sticks up and drools; the hat was covering the hips.
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
What comedy skill can’t any cripple master?
Stand up.
No, it's not just a crotch grab. Jacko was jacking it on stage when he saw a 6-year-old boy in the front row.
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
What do you call a stripper in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels.
Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?
Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)
Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.
Me: *Confused*
Sister: They're both horrible.
Your dad went on America's Got Talent for "smoothest way to leave their child."
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
What goes up but never goes down?
My grades.
(I wish)
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
