Patient jokes
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Dolls have wigs made of mohair, cancer patients have wigs of no hair.
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
What do you call an emo cancer kid?
Chemo.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!
Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."
Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!
Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"