A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Person: 'Doctor, doctor I've only got 50 seconds to live'
Doctor: 'Just give me a minute'
What did the doctor say to the chinese patient? Sum ting wong
My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds" I shot her now we wait
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a woman who Isn't saluting. Why are you not saluting like the others? Hitler barks. "Mein Führer, Im the nurse," she responds "Im not crazy!
Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?" Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now." Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff." Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."
Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what's the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I've been trying to contact you sense yesterday
Asian man goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract." Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam
Doctor: Yup
Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger
Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor
What do you do when finish magazine at the hospital
You reload and keep shooting
Why does the nurse need a red pen?
In case she has to draw blood
Today, I operated on a little girl, she needed O- negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O- negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “so when will I die”? she thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
An orphan goes to a doctor. Doctor: Sorry I can't help you Orphan: But why? Doctor: I'm a family doctor
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news Patient: What's the good news? Doctor: I've got u flowers Patient: Awww, What's the bad news? Doctor: *They're for your grave*
So a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to there other side!
Doctor: you don't have long to live. 10... Patient: ten what? ten years, ten months? Doctor: 9... 8... 7...
