A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Patient Jokes
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."
Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.
How to decorate a wall:
Strip off the paper and original plaster.
Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.
Paint it (if you want).
Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks, "So you don't miss fried chicken?"
Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?
He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"
What did the cancer patient get for Valentine's Day? Candy wigs.
Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
Do no doctor start with A and A+?
You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
