There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
Q: How many more chemo treatments did the cancer patient need?
A: Tumor.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.
I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
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