Overeating jokes

Stephen Hawking's family was cruel. He fell over and got told to man up and walk it off.

Two men were bartering over a marble slab. A lot of counter-offers were made.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired.

How did Steven Hawkings die?

His wife tripped over his charging plug when he was at 2% battery.

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

Why did the bike fall over?

'Cause it was wheely tired.

After all these walkers, you still walk over me.

My dog was hungry, so I let him loose outside while I filled his bowl.

I found out later that he was run over by a truck. It seemed to really hit the Spot.

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.

He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.

When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.

It happened too fast, he watched the very last.

Next he died, eaten all fried.

What is black, white, and red all over?

My third wife.

Why didn't Stephen Hawking cross the road?

Because he rolled over to the other side!

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.

I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.

If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?

Bagels.

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."

I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"