What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
Overeating Jokes
Why is the sun red today?
The sun turned red today. Here's why. As an enormous Atlantic storm batters Ireland, a related phenomenon is turning heads further east over in the United Kingdom. ... Just like the way sunsets are sometimes red, excess particles in the atmosphere can change the color of the sun in the daytime.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
Who would win?
The laws of the Catholic Church which have been effective for over 900 years,
Or one horny Henry?
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
Why did the out of shape cow quit her job?
She got tired of jumping over the moon.
What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?
Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
Two mates walk into a bar.
Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"
Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."
Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"
Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."
Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"
How do you fit three flags on a bar stool?
Flip it over!
Damn, DIN just went over me and I'm trying to figure out what it is. A camel's dick.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."
Get it? I read? No... ok.
What's black, white, and "read" all over?
A zebra after a lion is full.
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
What is black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
My favorite sex position is the JFK:
I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired!
