A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.
What is worse still? It has to eat its way out.
What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.
What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?
When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
I am still trying to figure out why paying the COVID doctors a compliment is so offensive. They even kicked me out, and all I said was to stay positive...
A woman went out on a date and said, “I’m thirty-one with the body of a sixteen-year-old.” The man responded, “Wanna show me? 😏” The woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “Take a look.”
An emo texted a tree, "Wanna hang out?"
The tree ghosted her.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!
I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
Why can't homeless people be gay?
They don't have a closet to get out of.
